The Why & the Need for Diapers to Desk

The motivation for BALANCE came from Amy’s return to work story.

When I returned back to work, I remember vividly the feeling of sitting at my desk and thinking I was having an out of body experience.

It felt surreal.

My desk and my office were the same as the day I had left for leave, not even a pen had been touched. I should have been comforted by this familiarity. However, I felt like nothing was the same! And, truly it wasn’t.

I felt like my world had been literally flipped upside down.

I tried putting on a brave face, but truth be told, every time someone would ask, about my daughter I would feel a sting. And, strangely so many people would say comments that would not bring comfort, but rather trigger pain. “Oh, it must be so hard!” or “You must miss her so much!”

It was a constant reminder that I did not have my daughter next to me.

For three months, my daughter was attached to me as I adjusted to being a mother, the thing I have always wanted most in this world. Her body was an extension of me and I carried her everywhere in my ergo or my arms. And now my arms felt painfully empty.

Every second I worried, is she okay? Is she crying? Does she miss me? Am I making the right choice?

Then the pumping hour came and I would cry silently at my desk and think about my sweet daughter and my heart would ache. The first week was excruciating. I was not prepared for how sad I would feel, and I was not prepared for how alone I felt. 

As for work, I was expected to literally jump right back into my job like nothing had changed. 

Yes, I KNOW that it is a business, and I ‘should be grateful for the time off’ as business had not stopped for three months! I had a PAYING job to do and I needed to do it! BUT I WANTED TO SCREAM, “MY ENTIRE WORLD HAS BEEN FLIPPED UPSIDE DOWN! HELP!”

I felt alone on an island and I was drowning.

As the Human Resources Director of a company, I felt hopeless- there was no ‘resource’ for me.  

We live in a busy, busy world.  No one had time to stop and hold my hand. Yes, again, I know that I’m a grown woman! But, I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I was sad….I can’t even tell you all of the emotions swirling through my head and my heart.

I also knew, deep down, I loved my job. I had worked really hard to get to where I was, I earned my masters, I earned my Human Resources certification, and I really loved being able to feel like I was living up to my potential.

My intention for this program of Diapers to Desk is for women who have ambitions and career dreams, but also have a strong desire to be a wonderful mother, for women like us to have a resource when at times they feel like they are spinning out of control.

Let’s ENJOY the journey of raising children and having careers as well!

Amy Landry